Damn, Girl-Holy Roman Empress Theophano

Holy Roman Empress Theophano (sometimes spelled Theophanu or Theophania), was a Byzantine princess, who has the singular honor of having introduced the fork to Northern Europe. But beyond her taste in cutlery Theophano was also a wise and beloved Empress who helped bring Byzantine culture to the Germans.

Theophano was a Byzantine princess, but she hadn't been 'born in the purple', meaning that she had been born before her father was Emperor. Because of this, she didn't have quite as high of a status as the other princesses, a situation that came in very handy for her uncle John Tzimiskes, when it was his turn to be Emperor.

See, at this time There were a couple of very powerful empires--the Holy Roman, and the Byzantine. Then there was the Italian peninsula, which was a hot mess. The south belonged to the Byzantines, the north to the Germans, and the Arabs kept attacking the entire thing from their home base in Italy. Out of the two empires the Holy Roman was weaker, so it was no surprise when Otto I decided to try for a marriage alliance between the two states.

Admittedly, John Tzimiskes wasn't super keen to ally with the Germans. He did need their militaristic support, but in his mind the Byzantines were waaaaayy better than the Germans, and he couldn't let the Holy Roman Empire think that they stood on equal grounds, so instead of sending a princes who was 'born in the purple' as requested, he sent Theophano.

Otto I wasn't happy that he hadn't gotten the 'born in the purple' princess he'd requested, but Theophano brought most of southern Italy with her as a dowry, so Otto got over that complaint really quickly, and  Theophano married Otto II. Otto I didn't have too much time to feel bitter, because he died shortly before their wedding, leaving Theophano with only one in law to deal with, the iron willed Adelaide of Italy.

While the Germans like Theophano, many of them thought her odd. The Byzantine empire was known for its luxurious, decadent ways, and Theophano was a product of that 'decadence'. She talked too much, she bathed every day, and, strangest of all, she used a two pronged utensil to bring food to her mouth (aka a fork), instead of eating with her hands like everyone else.

Theophano and Otto II being crowned
and blessed by Jesus Christ.

Weird foreignness aside, Theophano was an excellent empress. Much like her mother-in-law Adelaide, Theophano lucked out, and was good friends with Otto II. They jointly ruled their empire for about ten years, waging war against the neighboring French, and protecting their lands from Arabs and internal dissent. They had five children together, four of whom survived to adulthood. Then, in 983, Otto died.

Fortunately, Theophano had popped out another Otto, and so Otto III took the throne. Unfortunately, Otto III was only three years old at the time, so Theophano assumed the regency. She and her mother-in-law Adelaide combined forces to rule the empire, and kept the whole thing together. During her regency she repelled another French attack, appointed public and church officials, and ruled Italy, all while maintaining a close relationship with her son. She so influenced Otto III that after her death in 991 he basically ran the Holy Roman Empire in the ground trying to make it more like the beloved Byzantine Empire that his mother spoke so fondly of.


After her death Adelaide took over as regent for Otto III, and, because Adelaide didn't particularly like Theophano, she refused to have annual services read on the date of Theophano's death. A smear campaign against her started soon after, and so Theophano wasn't fondly remembered in Germany. She was, and is, however, remembered in modern Turkey, the land of her birth, where she is remembered as a wise and capable leader.

Sources
Theophano of Byzantium
Theophano, Empress and Regent
Theophano, Holy Roman Empress
The Princess Theophano

Damn, Girl-Lakshmi Bai

Rani (Queen) Lakshmi Bai is often called the 'Joan of Arc of India', and with good reason. At just 22 years old she seized control of the kingdom of Jhansi, and spearheaded a revolt against the British. Like Joan, Lakshmi's life was short, but she certainly caused the English a lot of trouble.

Lakshmi was the daughter of a scholar and a king's adviser. She was raised with the young men of the court, and in addition to learning the usual school subjects, she was also trained in combat. She was, by all accounts, a lovely and intelligent young lady, and the age of fifteen, she married Raja Gangadhar Rao, Maharaja of the kingdom of Jhansi.

The couple were married for about ten years until Gangadhar died of illness. They had no surviving children, and so they had adopted a young cousin, Damodar Rao, as their own, and the throne passed to Damodar, despite the fact that he was only five years old.

Enter the English. The English had a policy at the time of stealing every bit of land they could. It was no different with Jhansi. In a move reminiscent of the Romans dealings with Boudicca, the English refused to recognize Damodar as being the rightful heir, and they moved in to take control. Lakshmi was granted a pension of 5,000 rupees a month, and Damodar was allowed to keep his palace, but control of Jhansi had ceded to the enemy.

Now, as you might imagine, the Indians were non too pleased with this arrangement. Big shock, I know. The Indians weren't very fond of having the British in their country in general, but then the English went a step too far, or the Indians thought that they did.

See, the English had enlisted thousands of sepoys, or native Indian soldiers, both Muslim and Hindu. When their superior officers introduced the Enfield Cartridges, the soldiers balked. They had heard rumors that the cartridges were greased with beef and pig fat. As the soldiers had to put the cartridge in their mouth to tear off the end before they could load it in the gun, they would be getting a small amount of beef or pork in their mouth, and, as you may no, beef and pork are serious no-nos in Hinduism and Islam respectively.

So the sepoys were being difficult. And by 'being difficult' I mean they were in revolt. To add to that, local revolutionaries in Jhansi had risen up and killed all the English civil servants and their families. This is when Lakshmi took control of the situation.

The narrative splits into two parts from here. Some sources claim that Lakshmi took instant control of the situation, and started hacking away at the English. There were even rumors that she'd started the revolt in the first place. Other sources claim that she took control of Jhansi in the name of the English, and asked them what to do. They never got back to her, so she just did what she wanted until the English pitched a fit a few months later.

The statue of Lakshmi at Jhansi

Here is where the story comes back together. The English soldiers marched on Jhansi, and besieged the fort where Lakshmi was living with her adopted son. Lakshmi commanded her soldiers as well as the rebels, and though they held the fort for a long time, they eventually had to escape.

From there they fled east to Gwalior. There had been skirmishes along the way, and by this point Lakshmi's forces were tired and few in number. In a last ditch effort against the English, Lakshmi tied her son to her back, armed herself with two swords, and plunged into battle. It was in this battle that she was killed.
 Today Lakshmi is remembered as a brilliant Indian queen who fought for freedom from the English. She is revered by the Indians, and her statue watches over Jhansi to this day.

Sources
Encyclopedia Britannica
Maps of India
History Net
The Famous People

Microstates of Europe-Overlooked Corners of a Continent

There's something fascinating to me about microstates. It's the 'micro' part really. There's something that's just inherently interesting to me about these tiny, tiny, countries that, by all sense of reason, should have been absorbed into a bigger country a long time ago. I also find it interesting that these countries still keep their traditions alive, and maintain a semi stable population, despite the lure of big cities elsewhere.

For those of you who are unaware, a microstate is a very small country that has (and this is the important bit) received international recognition of sovereignty. International recognition is necessary, it's what divides say, San Marino, the oldest republic, from my living room, which I now officially declare to be the Duchy of High Westnerdia.

There are a least a couple dozen microstates all over the world, with the most of them being in the Caribbean or Polynesia. We'll talk about those later, but for now, let's go over the European ones.

Vatican City

You've undoubtedly heard of this one. The Vatican sits smack dab in the middle of the Italian capitol of Rome, and is the epicenter of the operations of the Catholic church, still the largest Christian religion in the world. The Vatican is the home of the Pope, currently Pope Francis, and his college of Cardinals. As far as microstates go, the Vatican is very small, covering less than a square mile of land, so if there's ever a smallest country competition, the Vatican will definitely win.


Despite it's small size (and the fact that more than half of its citizens live abroad!), the Vatican is a more or less functioning country. They print their own currency, issues passports, participate in the Olympics, and participate in international organizations. The only thing the Vatican government doesn't do is tax its citizens, instead relying on donations and stamp sales to generate revenue.

St. Peter's Basilica

This shouldn't be as surprising as it is. After all, the Vatican, formerly known as the Papal States, were an enormous world power from the middle ages up until about the age of enlightenment. The Papal States had an army (they still do!), and held power over Kings. They've been known, more than once, to get involved in international wars, and to defend their interests with assassination, espionage, and all out war. But we'll delve into more of that later. ;)

The Vatican is an absolute monarchy, one of the last few in existence. In the Vatican, the Pope is In Charge. And while the Cardinals may have the power to elect him, they don't have the power to remove him, and once elected the Pope becomes ruler of the Vatican for life. (Or until he decides to retire, and Pope Benedict XVI did in 2013)

Monaco

Monaco, home of the wealthy and glamorous, home of Princess Grace, is a tiny principality (meaning it's ruled by a prince, more on that later.) wedged between France and the ocean. You would think that, being next to France, a once notorious power and land hungry behemoth, Monaco would have ceased to exist long ago, and for a while it did. Monaco was annexed during the French Revolution, and was not restored until 1814. It has since then been a protectorate, first of Sardinia, then France, who protects it to this day.

The country of Monaco is a constitutional monarchy, headed by members of the Grimaldi family since the 1200s. The current Prince is Albert II, son of Prince Ranier III and the actress-turned-princess  Grace Kelly. As far as actual governing goes though, unlike in many constitutional monarchies, Prince Albert actually has a lot of power. He is the head of the executive branch of the government, with a Minister of State beneath him. Prince Albert, however, seems to focus his attentions outside of Monaco, focusing mainly on lobbying against climate change.

The Monegasque Princely Family

One of the reasons that so many people move to this tiny French and Monegasque speaking country is because of the lack of income tax in the principality. Taxation was abolished in the 1800s, when the Grimaldi family decided to throw the common people a bone. Besides, tax money didn't really matter to the Grimaldis, the casino had already made them fabulously wealthy.

Monaco's economy is driven by its tourism. Tourists flock from around the world to visit its world famous casino, to soak up the sun and the stunning scenery. The Monaco Grand Prix is held there every year, as is the Monte-Carlo television festival.

San Marino

San Marino is the oldest republic in the world, and they are very proud of that fact. They were established in 301 CE by St. Marinus, a christian stonemason who was seeking refuge from the Christian hating Romans who, as we have covered, were dicks.

St. Marinus scrambled up Mt. Titano, one of the major defining geographical (and geological!) features of San Marino today. From there he established his highly improbable republic.

Why is San Marino highly improbable? Glad you asked.

You see, San Marino is a tiny country located smack dab in the middle of Italy (the country formerly known as Rome), a region known for conquering and being conquered. In fact, before the unification of Italy in the 1800s Italy was made up of several city states just like San Marino (if somewhat larger, more autocratic, and land hungry). Yet San Marino has, in its entire history, been occupied only twice, and never conquered. Napoleon respected the sovereignty of San Marino, and San Marino remained neutral and unmolested during WWII.

Of course, this might be because San Marino honestly doesn't have a lot worth taking. The country is mainly mountain, with only 16% of their land useful for farming. Their main export was stone, until they over mined their mountain. They don't have a large population, and no army worth bothering. (The current Sammirinese army is comprised of 50 citizens.) 

Guaita Fortress

Today, San Marino is a peaceful, prosperous, if not quite self-sufficient state. Extensive quarrying since the early CEs has sadly left San Marino with limited mineral resources, so like many micronations it's main revenue comes from tourism and, surprise surprise, stamps! San Marino stamps, while not the rarest in the world (those would be the stamps of the tiny island of Tristan da Cunha), are still highly prized by collectors. San Marino relies heavily on Italy for electricity, as well as printing its coinage. The official currency of San Marino is the euro, even though San Marino has yet to join the EU.

Lichtenstein

So we've talked a little about Lichtenstein before, and how Switzerland keeps attacking it, but there's more to this tiny country. Squeezed between Austria and Switzerland, Lichtenstein is one of the worlds foremost tax havens, and is also the only country you can rent on Airbnb. 

For years Lichtenstein's primary stream of revenue comes from international corporations who establish skeleton 'offices' in Lichtenstein to take advantage of the country's lenient business tax laws. However, due to international pressures, Lichtenstein revised its tax laws in 2009, and is making an effort for more transparent banking practices.

Lichtenstein came into being when the Counts of Hohenems, being short of cash, had to sell off some land, namely the county of Vaduz and the dominion of Schellenberg. Both areas were purchased by Prince Johann Adam, and he united them into an independent principality, though a ditch still divides the area to this day. It took a while for the tiny principality to become a fully functioning independent state; it was occupied first by Austria, then by France, and later by Germany until 1866 when Napoleon recognized Lichtenstein as a sovereign nation.

Lichtenstein Castle

Today, Lichtenstein is a quiet country, and the largest manufacturer of false teeth in the world. They rely heavily on their neighbor Switzerland, both for trade and for defense. Lichtenstein has also adopted the Swiss franc. The country is ruled by Prince Hans Adam II, though most administrative details are taken care of by his son Alois. The Lichtenstein princely house has an unusual amount of power for a European monarchy--Prince Hans is able to both veto bills put forward by parliament, and fire the entire government should he feel like it.

Andorra

We've talked a bit about Andorra before as well, but let's talk a little more. Andorra is a tiny, Catalan speaking, oft forgotten, country sandwiched between France and Spain. There aren't a lot of natural resources, so Andorra makes money off its scenery and its loose tax laws. (a running theme among micronations) Andorra isn't a member of the EU, but it holds a 'special status' with them, and uses the Euro.

Andorra was a little late to the modern scene. In 1607 France and Spain decided that they were going to share Andorra in a feudal type situation. During this time the Andorran people were ruled over absolutely by the French and Spanish delegates, and had to pay tribute to both countries. While this may have been pretty normal seeming when the situation started, that sounds pretty insane in the modern era. The insanity continued until 1993 when Andorra adopted it's first constitution, and joined the UN. Even today the president of France, and the bishop of Urgell (Spain) are 'heads of state' of Andorra, though the title is more honorary than anything.

A good way of summing up Andorra's situation is to describe it as the child of France and Spain, and France and Spain have divorced. Andorra is supported militarily by both countries, trades with both countries, and has a titular head of state from each country. France kept Andorra safe while Spain was fighting itself, and Andorra passed notes (and goods) between the two during WWII. And in WWI, when France declared war on Germany, so did Andorra.

Andorra la Vella

This co-parenting situation between France and Spain came about in the late 1200s when the related princes of France and the Bishops of Urgell were arguing over who got to inherit Andorra. They fought a merry war over the whole thing until the Lord of Aragon told them that they had to share.

Today Andorra is a full functioning independent country. They're known for their ski resorts, and their liberal banking laws. Andorra's a place to play, and they receive some 8 million tourists every year. Not bad for the fifth smallest nation in Europe.

Sources
Dictionary
Vatican City State Website
History.com - Vatican
Vatican.com
Visit Monaco
Monaco Government Website
BBC Monaco Country Profile
CIA World Factbook-Monaco
CNN-Prince Albert
Encyclopedia Britannica-San Marino
Visit San Marino
CIA World Factbook-San Marino
BBC San Marino Country Profile
BBC Lichtenstein Country Profile
CIA World Factbook-Lichtenstein
Lichtenstein Official Website
Wired Magazine-Rent Lichtenstein
All Andorra History
Visit Andorra
CIA World Factbook-Andorra
BBC Andorra Country Profile
Encyclopedia Britannica-Andorra